The first half of 2013 has been a pretty big shift in focus for me. This is a semi rant, semi muse about what’s been happening lately.
To start off on a happy note, I really miss my parents. Not saying I’ve never given a flying flip for them before, but I’ve never appreciated them as much as I should have. Mom in particular. And that trip to New York? Man, it’s been our best family holiday yet. No stupid angsty child trying to be cool. God, I’d love to drive a fist into 13 year old Nick. And I really can’t wait to see you guys back in Malaysia. A little over a month away!
In reference to New York, I’ve talked about my thoughts when I was at the 9/11 memorial in that post right below this one. Right there. And that kinda brings me to the next part of this three-parted post.
I just lost a friend in a hiking accident. I still have yet to find out what happened to him, how it happened, but honestly, it doesn’t matter. He left, abruptly. Midway through a game of frisbee, and feeling really frisky and good after not playing it for half a decade, I received a post from a mutual friend. She was even closer to him than I was.
I went through a series of emotions, consecutively; confusion at the post, and not able to grasp the fact he had gone. Numbness, and unsure of what to feel. Letting it sink in, and feeling that sadness wash over. And then annoyance.
Over the course of my almost-twenty years of life, I’ve experienced so many untimely deaths. Too many. Suicides. Accidents. Cancer. A lecturer, so passionate and strong-willed, so inspirational, with an infectious positivity. A teacher, gentle, kind, that teacher that made us look forward to his classes. A kid, with a head full of dreams, looking forward to going home and having his favourite home-cooked dishes. A young man, who loved adventure, and danger, and people. Who helped me help others.
And it frustrated me that they had to leave, so early before their time, and so unexpectedly. They had decades ahead of them. So many stories lost. A woman he might have met at his favourite cafe one fateful evening. He might’ve asked her about the book she was reading. Talked for hours about it, and exchanged numbers. Tell his best mates about it, and grinning as he approaches her door for their first date. Slip a ring onto her finger after whispering two short, infinite words. Thrown his kid up in the air and swinging him around happily. Holding his wife’s aged, wrinkled hands as they go through a dusty album of their decades past.
But he didn’t.
And it’s so stupid. I just don’t know. It just comes up to one big question. What did they do?
Again, for the third time in all my blogs, I come face to face with the finiteness of life. Sure, it makes me appreciate mine, and the lives of those I hold dear, but really, is the life of some undeserving child worth such a lesson?
You’ll be missed, Jared.
And from the subject of lives, we move on to the last part of this post. This one’s going to be waaaaaay more relatable and comfortable for you guys to read.
I’ve met, and gotten closer to a few people lately. A couple of friends, a couple of crushes. And they’ve all been affecting me in some way.
Two such people, one after another, showed me that I still bore some pieces of my past along with me. I didn’t get out of the last relationship without a permanent butthurt. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s a good thing, or not. *scratches head*
But I’ve become rather unsure of myself. To be specific, my feelings. The line that defined ‘love’ to me’s kinda been rubbed raw, and I can’t remember where it was. I’m as afraid of hurting someone else as I am myself. Scared to death that I’ll end up using her unintentionally, and just making the both of us feel like shit.
Sooooo… being on the fence like this hasn’t been really good for me lately. I awkwardly balance myself between being casual and pant-wetting-nervously excited at the thought of striking conversation with said girl. And it really doesn’t feel appealing at all.
I just reread the post, and I realized how more casual and childish my writing gets when I come to this point of the post…
It’s a serious matter, though. This inability to put my finger on how I feel for someone. Although I concluded I’m going to have to get to know her better to know for sure. And that’s what I’m gonna do for now!
And so with this, I ask my first ever question on this blog to you readers!
It’s really an advice question: How do you get over that doubt about getting into a relationship?
Of course, we’re talking about this while assuming I AM going to get into a relationship. I’m not so full of myself as to think I’d get a girl so easily. Heh. *laughs, then smiles sadly, and leaves the computer to get a tissue*
Thanks for reading, guys. The next post’s gonna be about my Sheffield trip. Had some time (a lot of time) to explore the small town, and I took so so many pictures. Stay tuned, or I’ll fist-up you with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.